The white Massai ; On interracial and intercultural marriages

Have you ever read “the white massai” an autobiography by Corinne Hofmann, a white woman from Switzerland, who came to Kenya for a vacation with her boyfriend and later could not help but got swept off her feet by a maasai warrior. Well what happened next was very shocking at the very least; she abandoned her boyfriend in the pursuit of her newly found love, located him and married him. Had a daughter with him and settled there in Kenya. This captivating love story did not finish in a rosy ending though. The cultural gap was too huge and even though both of them made lots of concessions just to fit into each other’s’ cultural values, the ups and downs, their frustrations were far greater and reached a point where their marriage could not support it any more. It crumbled.
What triggered me to write about this particular issue of interracial and intercultural marriages is not Mrs. Hofmann’s story, rather a comment on facebook. Not too long a good friend of mine and a member of ESG commented or better, left his advice to an Eritrean lady who was soliciting help on a public group. She was trapped in a relationship full of cultural and historical differences and she was indecisive on whether she should tie the knot with this guy or not. And more conflicting were the advices and suggestions people were providing her with, I wondered if by any means she found them helpful to make her decision. Want to know what our guy’s stance on it was? He was against that intercultural marriage.
Behold, one of the most controversial social issues is all over us. Interracial and intercultural marriages it is. In this 21st century if there is one gap modernization and technological sophistication cannot bridge it is none other than this issue. As a matter of fact, it makes you think if it is getting worse, if races and cultures want to stick to their own, distrusting “the others”. Can you imagine the uproar and dissatisfaction displayed by the pro-black civil societies when Serena Williams announced her engagement to a white man as recent as in December 2016. Time and again, similar sentiments are heard from the other side of the fence too. The question is, are they being outright racists and showing intolerance or their claims do hold some truth behind it?
We, Eritreans are probably one of the least interracially or interculturally mingled societies in the world. However, the exodus of our people for more than a decade now has brought something new with it. Our exposure due to our dispersion all over the world has helped to get to know to people of different races and cultures, with that it is only natural for relationships to blossom. But being products of a conservative society that we are, taking the relationship to another level has proven not to be as easy as apple pie.
Putting aside, the social and psychological motives as to why people prefer to enter into interracial or intercultural marriages, the hurdles they have to confront is up by  a notch to the ordinary challenges being faced by couples of the same race and the same cultural background. A range of various researches conducted on this issue tend to confirm the above observation.
For instance, in her clinical publication, Dr Ceila J.Falicov (1995), wrote extensively on cross-cultural marriages. In her publication, Dr Falicov states that the main problem on cross-racial or cross-cultural marriages is the prevalence of an unbalanced view, with which to screen their similarities or differences. These couples may be unaware of the impact of cultural differences on their interactions. Regardless of whether the cultural differences are objectively large or small, either or both spouses may maximize differences by over focusing on them or minimize differences by under focusing on them. Consequently this unbalanced view will be followed by polarization and disharmony.
Furthermore, Dr. Falicov adds that difficulties in accepting and gradually resolving the state of cultural transition are manifested in a number of situations. And based on her clinical research, the scholars from University of California, San Diego, identified three patterns wherein the cultural differences appear to be unbalanced. These patterns are labelled as;
1. Conflicts in cultural code; where the marital conflicts are largely related to the lack of a shared cultural code.
2. Cultural differences and permission to marry; here the marital problems are tied to difficulties in the realignment of boundaries with the extended family, ostensibly because of the exogamous choice (choosing to marry outside the racial/cultural group ) of marital partner.
3. Cultural stereotyping and severe stress; where by the marital partners use their cultural differences stereotypically against each other to create a makeshift boundary that prevents painful emotional involvement in situations of severe stress.

Baber Ray in his own research supports these challenges and spiced them up by relating these situations to happiness and biracial children. Baber, Ray “A study of 325 mixed marriages” American social Review 2, he talks vastly on interracial marriages. In his study  he found out that on average the happiness rating measurement for such couples was low and inferred that many couples did not feel that they should have children. The author further finds that the children of interracial marriages are “practically handicapped, for they literally have no race, frequently being rejected by both the races from which they come from”.

Last but not least, in 2008, a research titled romantic or problematic was conducted in UIUC (university of Illinois-Urban Champion) and it concluded that successful and happy interracial marriages are difficult to achieve. NOT IMPOSSIBLE  of course. It cited many reasons such as family opposition, social intolerance, language barriers and child bearing problems among many. Since most of us are well aware of the first two reasons and their significance or insignificance (varies according to the vantage points of the couple), I will just convey the researcher’s findings on communication and child bearing barriers.

The researcher found and stated that “….usually the couple mean the same thing but just communicating differently”. Communication is a very important component, in fact a panel in the university of Michigan-Dearborn’s conversation on race in March 2008, suggested that the number one advice they would give anyone who is entering into an interracial relationship was communication. The study also noted that, childbearing practices can also be a bit complicated as those practices are deeply rooted in culture and racial contexts and finding some middle ground on this issue can be difficult for some interracial couples.

Interracial and intercultural marriages, as polemical as they have been for a long time, they are also full of myths or misconceptions as to what drive people to enter into it. But one thing remains true and undisputed i.e. the challenges one is likely to face are huge and complicated. In spite of all this overwhelming observations, the battle is not all lost though.  Interracial couples still have the power to make their relationships either romantic or problematic just based on the effort they put on it.

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